Narcissistic mothers will say anything to get what they want. Even if it means stepping on other people or putting them down in order to make themselves look better. You will never win an argument with a narcissistic mother. This is because, the things that Narcissistic Mothers Say are factually wrong. These things simply show how such mothers have no regard for the truth and live in a world of delusion.
A narcissistic mother will deny that she ever said anything out of line. She’d not respond well even if you try to confront her about her hurtful and damaging behavior. Narcissistic mothers also tend to twist the truth, so what you thought you heard her say is not actually what she meant.
By the time you figure out what she really meant, the argument is over and somehow you are left feeling like an idiot. Narcissistic mothers are pretty good at manipulating people to get their way. However, they seem to have a harder time when it comes to their own children. This is why the following explanations don’t work on narcissistic mothers of adult children.
Summary
- Narcissistic mothers will say anything, even hurtful and false things, to manipulate others and maintain their own superiority.
- Arguments with narcissistic mothers are unwinnable because they twist the truth and deny any wrongdoing.
- Common things narcissistic mothers say include comparing their children to disliked family members, calling them selfish or lazy, and making them feel ungrateful or worthless.
- Narcissistic mothers manipulate and control their children, but have difficulty doing so with adult children.
- Strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother include not taking responsibility for her emotions, setting firm boundaries, keeping interactions short, and avoiding bringing up past grievances.
Table of Contents
Who Is A Narcissistic Mother?
A narcissistic mother is someone who does not treat her children as individuals. Rather, she views them as objects to be shaped in her own image and likeness. She forces them to perform beyond their capabilities. She does this for the sole purpose of feeling proud of having such talented offspring or for bragging about their achievements to others.
The narcissistic parent regards her children as extensions of herself, there to fulfil her needs and serve her purposes. She regards motherhood as an opportunity to exploit her kids and to achieve the superiority that she lacked in her own youth.
Things Narcissistic Mothers Say And Do
The following are examples of things narcissistic mothers say and do that make the child wonder if their mother hates them:
1. You Are Just Like Your Father/Brother/Sister!
This is probably one of the most common things a narcissistic mother will say to put you down.
No matter what kind of relationship you have with your siblings, if a narcissistic mother didn’t like one of them or felt they were a threat, she will threaten you by telling you that you are just like them. This is not true and only an attempt to make you feel bad about yourself.
2. You Are Selfish
This is usually said when you don’t do what she wants or if you stand up to her. This accusation implies that anything the narcissistic mother asks of her children is done for their own good, so being uncooperative, making your own choices and thinking for yourself makes you “selfish.”
3. You Are So Lazy
A narcissistic mother will call her children lazy for any reason or no reason at all, but if the children decide to go their own way without her help it becomes an issue of pride. Narcissistic mothers need to be needed to feed their self-esteem. If they are not needed, often they become angry and spiteful.
4. You Are Ungrateful
A narcissistic mother will say this anytime her children express their desire to be independent. She’d hate if the kids do not thank her for anything she has done for them. Narcissistic mothers take a lot of pride in what they do for their children even if it is something the children never asked for or wanted.
5. You Make Me Want To Scream
A narcissistic mother will say this anytime her children disagree with her, do not meet her expectations or she feels they are trying to control her. Even something as simple as asking a question can set a narcissistic mother off and cause her to use emotional abuse techniques to make her children feel unworthy.
6. I Was Such A Better Mother Than My Own Mother
Although it may seem like a good thing for your childhood self to hear this, saying this as an adult is just one of the many ways narcissistic mothers play victim and manipulate their adult children into feeling sorry for them.
A narcissistic mother will never admit that she was a bad mother, but the truth is that most narcissistic mothers have unresolved issues from their own childhood which they project on to their children.
7. You Are Not My Friend
This is usually said during an argument and implies that since you will not do as she says and agree with everything she says, then naturally you must hate her.
Narcissistic mothers believe they know and understand everything. Hence, they see it as a personal attack when someone disagrees with them or does not like something about them.
It also implies that because you disagree with her, the only other option is that you want to hurt her–and of course no one wants to hurt their own mother!
8. I Don’t Know Why I Bother
This is usually said after you have an argument. Narcissistic mothers enjoy blaming their children for making them angry even though it was, in fact, the narcissistic mother who started the argument and used her children as scapegoats.
This statement implies that the child will never understand or appreciate anything she does and can be very frustrating to hear if one’s goal is to reconcile with a narcissistic mother.
9. You Are The Reason I’m Depressed
Even though a narcissistic mother is the one with a mental illness and depression, it will always be her children’s fault unless she can find someone else to take the blame.
Narcissistic mothers want others to think that any problem they have stems from something their children do or did. They don’t want anyone to know about their own issues, so they use emotional manipulation as a method of keeping their adult children close to them and reliant on them emotionally. “This Only Begins Here”
10. You’ll Never Find Anyone As Good As Me
This is usually said while a narcissistic mother is trying to get her children married or in relationships. Narcissistic mothers like having their little “families” together and will do whatever it takes to keep the attention off of herself and on to her child’s spouse/partner, even if that means using emotional manipulation techniques.
The narcissist believes that once their adult children are married, they will no longer need a narcissistic mother in their lives which can cause a narcissistic mother anxiety due to her own abandonment issues.
It also implies that the child’s significant other is not good enough for them and most likely puts him or her down as well. This statement can be very demeaning to hear from your parent who should be supporting you through this time in your life.
Ways To Deal With A Narcissistic Mother
Narcissistic Mother is difficult to deal with, but you can take certain steps to improve your effectivity. Follow the ones below:
1. Don’t Feel Bad For Her Or Take Responsibility
This sounds easier said than done, but it’s important to remember that if a narcissistic mother is depressed or upset, it is almost always her adult child’s fault according to the narcissistic mind of a parent with NPD.
It can be difficult not to feel bad for your mother when she cries and says things like, “You’re all I have left” and “We’re heading for trouble!” However, these statements are used as manipulation tactics and should not be taken seriously.
2. Be Gentle Yet Firm And Stand Your Ground
As hard as it is, it can be helpful to remember that narcissistic mothers use guilt in order to control their children. When dealing with a narcissistic mother, always try to stay firm and gentle at the same time when setting boundaries or enforcing rules.
For example, when dealing with an overbearing narcissistic mother like “Queen Narcissist,” telling her firmly but gently that you are not coming home until next weekend may help ease some of the guilt she has projected on to you about neglecting your family.
Using “I” statements instead of accusatory phrases like “you always” or “you never” can also help lower defenses in both parties involved in the argument/discussion.
3. Keep Things Short And Sweet
Narcissistic mothers tend to get upset easily. So, if be careful if catch yourself typing or writing an email completely filled with your feelings. It may be best to take a step back and try again later when emotions have settled. Don’t directly tell them the ways to be a good mother to their kids.
Writing long emails can also result in miscommunications. This is due to the fact that narcissistic mothers are not open to hearing about their adult children’s feelings on things they do that hurt them. They will often accuse you of having thin skin if you confront them during one of these moments.
It’s not always necessary. However, sometimes sending an email instead of calling can help lower the stress levels associated with dealing with a narcissist. This is because there is more time for reflection before responding
4. Don’t Bring Up The Past
Narcissistic mothers like to bring up the past when trying to make their adult children feel guilty. This can be very triggering if you are dealing with unresolved emotions from your childhood.
A narcissistic mother has a habit out of bringing up something painful that she has said/done to you in the past. If yours does this, try not to respond unless it’s absolutely necessary. When responding, use “I” statements about how she makes you feel. Do no attack her character or make accusations like “you always.”
Conclusion
This article applies to all narcissistic mothers. Yet, not all emotional abuse techniques will apply to every mother. This is because every case of emotional abuse is different depending on one’s relationship with their narcissistic mother. It also depends on the past experiences with her and one’s knowledge of what a healthy child-mother relationship should be like.
It is important for each adult child dealing with an abusive parent to find his or her own boundaries and not copy someone else’s because it won’t work for them–only the narcissist will benefit from that.
