How To Deal With Abusive Mother?

Surviving abuse of any kind is hard for children but it gets the hardest when it is coming from the mother. Children find it difficult to talk about their mom behind her back. Parents are supposed to be an angel for children but when they turn into devil, things become really hard for them.

Mothers who are abusive should be dealt carefully so that the child is not affected by it later on in life. While laws and other institutes can help you deal with abusive moms, here is a guide on how to be you own healer.


  • Surviving abuse from a mother is especially challenging for children who find it difficult to speak out against her.
  • Abusive mothers use motherhood as an excuse to hurt and control their children, often blaming them for everything and believing they are always right.
  • Signs of an abusive mother include trust issues, constant yelling, blaming the child for everything, violence, lack of patience, always claiming to be right, using guilt to control, and fighting with those close to the child.
  • Coping with an abusive mother involves standing tall, being diplomatic, seeking support from other family members, being patient and kind, setting clear boundaries, considering therapy, honest communication, managing expectations, and cutting ties if necessary.
  • It is important to prioritize one’s own well-being when dealing with an abusive mother and focus on personal growth and happiness.

Below, we are sharing all you should know on how to deal with abusive mother:

What Defines An Abusive Mother?

Abusive mother is a mother who tortures her child physically, verbally or emotionally. She uses the name of ‘motherhood’ as an excuse to hurt and control her children. She often blames her kids for their mistakes and believes that she is always right. Research shows that mothers are more likely to be abusive than fathers.

Abusive mother uses motherhood as an excuse to control her children

Some mothers turn out to be abusive because they had such mothers themselves and never learned to be a mother. Sometimes they just lack the patience and control over their anger which results in inflicting pain on their own children. Some mothers may also be suffering from mental health problems like depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder where such behavior can also be a symptom.

Signs You Have An Abusive Mother

Besides hitting you physically, an abusive mother can do a lot of things to hurt you badly. Be aware of these 8 red flags which are surely the traits of an abusive mother:

1. An Abusive Mother Has Trust Issues

She never trusts you or makes you feel unsafe around her even after passing years of your childhood. She thinks that everyone is trying to harm her children and hence she never allows them to make their own decisions.

2. An Abusive Mother Will Often Yell At You

She will yell at you every time no matter what you do. It doesn’t even take much; she can lose control over little things like your poor grades or failure in sports. She feels like everything is your fault and will yell at you for it.

An Abusive Mother Will Often Yell At You

3. An Abusive Mother Blames You For Everything

You never feel good enough for her as she always blames you for things that were not even your fault. It would be difficult to please her as nothing can satisfy her ever.

4. An Abusive Mother Is Violent

An abusive mother will hit you as well as throw things at you. It may be spoons, utensils or even a glass of water. No matter what she does, it is never your fault and you were meant to take the abuse!

5. An Abusive Mother Lacks Patience

She believes that she needs to control everything and if someone tries to do anything without her approval; watch out for the consequences!

She gets angry like hell and punishes anyone who dares to defy her rules. You might often feel that only she is right in every argument; no one can win against her ever!

6. An Abusive Mother Believes That She Is Always Right

Even when everyone knows that she is wrong, she continues to defend herself and prove others wrong. She refuses to apologize as she is never the one who knows less than anyone else.

7. An Abusive Mother Uses Guilt To Control You

She uses guilt trips on you to make you feel bad about yourself. For example, if you are going out with your friends she will say “You don’t love me anymore” or “I could have done better if I had not given birth to you.”

All this makes you feel guilty of being happy especially when it was supposed to be a mother-daughter day for shopping!

8. An Abusive Mother Fights With Everyone Who Is Close To You

If your friends are close to you then there are big chances that your mom is fighting with them. It doesn’t matter who they are; she just hates everyone who is close to you.

Tips On How To Deal With Abusive Mother

Mothers can be abusive at times but you need the right coping mechanism to deal with them. Sometimes it is also tough to understand how to deal with abusive mother. Here are some tips on how to cope up.

1. Stand Tall And Let Her Vent Out

You must stand tall and let her calm down which will be a good time for you to think clearly about the given situation. When she is done throwing out all of her anger, ask her what exactly happened and how can you make it better.

2. Be Diplomatic In Your Approach

Start with telling that you understand what she feels as no one wants their child to be in trouble or suffer any kind of pain; speaking like this helps her feel at ease with your words. Make sure that you are not overdoing things because then she might become suspicious!

3. Catch Actions Instead Of Words

If there is too much negativity coming out from your mother’s side then avoid speaking anything. It is better to go and talk to your father who will at least hear you out without any judgment.

4. Be Patient And Kind

Your abusive mother needs love and care which is something that she has not received in her life till this point. Start with little gestures like making her breakfast, giving a bath or taking her out for a stroll; these small things mean a lot when it comes to showing your mother that you care!

5. Leave Her Alone

If no matter how much you try nothing seems to be working then stop trying and spend some time away from each other. You must focus on yourself and make yourself happy instead of wasting too much energy on someone who does not want anything good in return!

6. Be Clear On Boundaries

It is important that you have clear idea about what your mother can and cannot do, say or expect from you. Instead of wondering as to whether or not your mother hates you or why does she hate you, you need to define things for yourself and her both.

In other words, you need to draw the line and make it very clear that there are things which your mother cannot cross. This will help you in knowing how much emotional space you can give her or not.

7. Seek Professional Help

If you think that your mother is abusive and she refuses to change her ways, then get a therapist to address this issue with her.

Sometimes, mothers do not realize their behavior and when someone brings it out in open they feel guilty about their deeds and eventually change for good. It works well if all of you go together instead of one by one

8. Communicate Honestly

It is important that both of you communicate openly about your feelings so as to sort out differences and misunderstandings in order to lead a peaceful life. Maybe, tell your mother that she needs to learn better ways of being a good mother to her kids.

9. Don’t Give Too Much Importance To Motherly Love

Do not over-expect your mother’s love because if she cannot reciprocate it then she is obviously lacking that quality. When you have low expectations about her affection for you, then you are probably able to avoid the inevitable disappointment of not receiving any attention from her.

10. Cut All The Ties With An Abusive Mother

If your mother continues to be abusive despite trying hard to deal with her, then there may come a time when you may feel threatened by this behavior and start feeling scared about what she can do next.

In such cases, it is better that you completely break off communication with her as this way nobody is at risk including yourself or people around you.

11. Do Not Stoop To Her Level Of Abuse

If your mother starts cursing and using abusive language with you then do not respond to her in the same tone because it will gradually lead you two towards a very unpleasant and harmful relationship.

Sometimes, you need to remain calm and composed even if she raises her voice at you or calls names or resorts to physical violence. You should simply walk out of the room without saying anything back

12. Live Your Life According To Your Terms

Do not get upset by what people say about you, especially when they are known to be close family members like mothers. It is better that you live life in accordance with your terms and conditions, rather than being swayed others’ opinions about yourself.

13. Do Not Get Used For Money

Do not fall prey to your mother’s ploys of using you for money because this is a cheap tactic that she may use to extract money from you. Do not get trapped in these kind of emotional blackmailing tactics and teach her a lesson by being straight forward with her right from the beginning.

14. Move On Without Any Guilt

If you have cut all ties with your abusive mother, then do not feel guilty about it because she has a problem and instead should be grateful to yourself for moving on from an unfavorable situation to lead a happy life.

Sometimes, it is better that we let go people who are toxic in our lives so that we can enjoy peace within ourselves.


To conclude, if you are dealing with an abusive mother, it is mandatory to learn some coping mechanisms and take care of your own wellbeing before trying to help others. Your priority should be yourself and only then can you move forward!


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