One of the most difficult types of people to deal with is the verbally abusive mother. It takes a lot of strength and emotional control to ignore or prove her wrong. This article talks about verbally abusive mother signs and how to deal with them?
A verbally abusive mother is a special kind of person, who can mess up your confidence and self-esteem. This type of mother does not have a good relationship with her children and sees them as a real nuisance. Instead, she would prefer to spend her time on the phone gossiping with her friends.
What Will I Learn?
- What Is Verbal Abuse?
- Signs Of Verbally Abusive Mothers
- 1. Verbally Abusive Mother Give Criticism instead of advice
- 2. Emotional abandonment A Tactic Abusive Mother Use
- 3. Arguing vs Verbal abuse
- 4. Verbally Abusive Mother Have Contradictory statements and opinions
- 5. Verbally Abusive Mother Use Manipulative language
- 6. You’ll Be Never good Enough For Her.
- 7. She Loves To Be Right, At All Costs
- 8. Verbally Abusive Mother Use Dominating Tone
- 9. Verbally Abusive Mother Constantly Puts You Downs.
- How To Deal With Verbally Abusive Mothers?
- 1. Do Not Take Your Verbally Abusive Mother Words Seriously
- 2. Picture Your Verbally Abusive Mother As A Child
- 3. Do Not Fight Or Argue With Your Verbally Abusive Mother
- 3. Ignore Your Verbally Abusive Mother Behavior And Bring Out The Best In Her
- 4. Ask For Support From Family And Friends
- 5. Seek Professional Help To Deal With Verbally Abusive Mother
- 6. Let Go Of Your Verbally Abusive Mother
- 7. Report Extremely Abusive Mothers To The Authority
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is defined as “any kind of repeated pattern of behavior which involves the use of language, whether spoken or written, aggressively and offensively meant to hurt, humiliate, or intimidate.”
The presence of three criteria puts a person at risk for abuse:
- Feeling devalued by the abuser
- Being subjected to yelling, cursing, or name-calling
- Experiencing distress after contact with the abuser
Children who are verbally abused are likely to experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Other consequences of verbal abuse include:
- Difficulty regulating emotions
- Lower concentrating
- Hyperactivity or lethargy
- Behavioral problems such as cruelty to animals, setting fires, bedwetting, and running away from home
- Suicidal thoughts
- Substance abuse
- Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
While verbal abuse is never excusable and cannot be tolerated, there are ways of dealing with it and getting help if you feel like your mother is the abusive one in the relationship.
Below we’ll take a look at some ways to deal with your verbally abusive mother, as well as see what you can do to help yourself out.
Signs Of Verbally Abusive Mothers
A verbally abusive mother does not usually start that way. Verbal abuse has a distinct pattern of escalated behavior. It can cause great harm to kids, both emotionally and physically. You will notice these signs when you have a verbally abusive mother:
1. Verbally Abusive Mother Give Criticism instead of advice
Some parents may have good intentions when criticizing their children but yet fail to realize the lasting impacts of their words on their child’s worth. Criticism does not encourage a child to improve, it just makes him/her feel bad about themselves.
2. Emotional abandonment A Tactic Abusive Mother Use
Emotional abandonment is the “silent treatment” but this time not as a punishment or with any reason at all. Verbally abusive mothers deny emotional support as a way of punishing you and exerting control over you.
It confuses children because verbal abuse can come from those who are supposed to love them unconditionally such as their parents and creates self-doubt and confusion in the child’s mind: “Do they love me? Am I doing anything wrong?”
3. Arguing vs Verbal abuse
Every family has arguments; we see them on TV all the time but what separates verbal abuse from arguing is the element of hurtful words deliberately thrown at you to make you feel bad about yourself.
A mother may call her daughter fat or ugly because she’s tired of hearing her complain about wanting to lose weight. She will not recognize that it’s your body and only you have the right to decide what you want for it.
4. Verbally Abusive Mother Have Contradictory statements and opinions
Verbal abuse mothers contradict themselves often because they are used to making up situations to justify whatever they say. You’ll hear “you never listen” or, “I told you that already” only after the fact and it’s too late for you to defend yourself.
5. Verbally Abusive Mother Use Manipulative language
No normal mother will try to make her daughter feel bad about herself just so she can get what she wants. This is verbal abuse at its finest, putting words in your mouth, saying things like “when I was your age I wasn’t like that“.
This is a no-win situation because if you do what your mother wants, you’re not being true to yourself; if you don’t do it, you blame yourself for disappointing her.
6. You’ll Be Never good Enough For Her.
You are always wrong, she can never be satisfied, no matter what you say or do. This is a trap to keep you always focused on what you’re doing wrong instead of what your mother is doing that’s wrong. You can’t have any effect on her behavior so you might as well stop trying.
7. She Loves To Be Right, At All Costs
If you question anything she says, she may use your lack of trust in her as an excuse to get upset. She will never admit that she’s wrong and is willing to make you the guilty party if she has to.
8. Verbally Abusive Mother Use Dominating Tone
Verbal abuse mothers start off talking quietly but their tone gets more dominant as they speak. You can hear the anger but you have no idea where it’s coming from.
9. Verbally Abusive Mother Constantly Puts You Downs.
She may not call you names but her words convey the same message, “you’re worthless“, “I wish I didn’t have you”, “I should have done something else with my life”.
She justifies her abusive behavior by saying that it’s for your good or simply because she wants to prepare you for reality. As if being verbally abused was part of proper preparation!
How To Deal With Verbally Abusive Mothers?
The best way to deal with your verbally abusive mother is to stay calm, set up boundaries, and remove yourself from the situation. No matter how much you are yelled at or blamed for everything bad that happens, don’t argue with her.
You cannot argue with a verbally abusive mother because she will twist your words around to make you look bad. There are several options you have when wanting to deal with a verbally abusive mother:
1. Do Not Take Your Verbally Abusive Mother Words Seriously
Verbal abuse puts you on the defense and negative emotions such as anger and sadness. Often, your mother will say something offensive, but it is not meant to be harmful or manipulative. It’s simply her way of showing how much she loves you in a non-verbal way, unfortunately.
If this happens frequently, you can choose to respond by pretending like her words did not hurt you. In this way, you can take away her power to hurt you.
2. Picture Your Verbally Abusive Mother As A Child
To deal with a verbally abusive mother, you need to change your perspective. Instead of seeing your mother as a mean-spirited person trying to put you down, think of her as a child.
You don’t have to pity her for being verbally abusive, just see that she is not in control of her words and actions because she was silenced when she was young.
3. Do Not Fight Or Argue With Your Verbally Abusive Mother
The moment you start fighting with your mother, she feels the need to defend herself by saying things that are not true or escalating her behavior even further. You can’t reason with a grown woman who thinks that it is ok to verbally abuse her daughter every time she disagrees with her.
3. Ignore Your Verbally Abusive Mother Behavior And Bring Out The Best In Her
Once inside your mind, change how you think about your mother and focus on loving memories between you two that may be marred by her cruel words. There’s no need to talk back or fight with her; instead, respond with kindness and compassion.
You can’t let abuse control your life, so you have to take charge and show her that her behavior will no longer affect you.
Verbally abusive mothers try to control their children by exerting dominance over them, so ignoring her negative comments may cause her to feel powerless. In the long run, your silence will show her that she no longer has an effect on you and that is how you deal with a verbally abusive mother!
4. Ask For Support From Family And Friends
The last thing you need when you’re going through a tough time is to do it alone. So ask for support from your friends and family.
Chances are, they have probably experienced something similar at some point in their lives and will understand what you’re going through. If not, simply remind them that verbal abuse can be just as destructive as physical violence because words have so much power behind them.
5. Seek Professional Help To Deal With Verbally Abusive Mother
If you’re having trouble dealing with a verbally abusive mother on your own, seek professional help. Many therapists specialize in family issues, especially those involving boundaries.
A good therapist will be able to step inside of your mind and make sense out of all the conflicting feelings you have towards your mother. He or she may also be able to teach you some coping skills that are not listed above which are more effective for dealing with verbal abuse from mothers.
6. Let Go Of Your Verbally Abusive Mother
If you are unable to change your relationship with your verbally abusive mother, you can choose to let her go. This may sound harsh but it’s the only way to stop the pain.
You can still love her from a distance and talk to her every once in a while, but do not have any expectations about the future of your relationship. The most important thing is that you remain happy and healthy by taking charge of your life.
7. Report Extremely Abusive Mothers To The Authority
If all else fails and your mother is extremely abusive, you might have to report her to the authorities. If she is a danger to herself or others, seek medical help. She abuses you by making racist remarks or pushing for sexual acts out of a sense of obligation, contact the police.
No one has the right to treat another human being in such a horrible way; it’s not normal and no child deserves to be treated like that.
No matter what happens with your verbally abusive mother, take responsibility for your emotional well-being. Focus on the positive things in your life and you will find that dealing with a verbally abusive mother is easier. Just remember that no matter how much pain you are in, there are always good people who care about you and want to help if only you would let them.