Dealing with a mom can get long drawn-out stressful experience if she has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). You know the routine – it starts out with her trying to charm you, then she insults you in front of others, always making it seem like it’s your fault. Then comes the guilt trip, when she tries to make you feel bad for hurting her feelings.
There is no surprise that forgiving a narcissistic mother is something many children of such moms can never even think of. Of course, being raised by someone like that is a hurtful experience. Parents are supposed to be your saviors and the first people you learn about love from and if even one of them goes narcissistic, you’re doomed for life.
But then, why are we talking about forgiving a narcissistic mother? Well, read on and you’d know.
What Will I Learn?
- Why Forgive A Narcissistic Mother?
- 9 Steps To Forgiving A Narcissistic Mother
- 1. Collect Your Thoughts
- 2. Distance Yourself From The Her If Possible
- 3. Stop Blaming Yourself
- 4. Start To See The Narcissistic Mother For What She Is
- 5. Learn To Appreciate Yourself
- 6. Forgive Your Narcissistic Mother
- 7. Let Go Of The Anger For Good
- 8. Be Grateful To Your Narcissist Mother (Yes, Really)
- 9. Seek Professional Help If Necessary
- Healing Yourself After Living With A Narcissistic Mother
Why Forgive A Narcissistic Mother?
No, we won’t ask you to forgive them because they are your parents. Simply, stated, you should forgive a narcissistic mother because that would be your first step to healing yourself.
Unresolved pain and anger would gnaw at you – and that will make it look like someone else is always to blame, whether it’s your spouse or your kids. It’s time to grow up, learn something from the experience, forgive, heal yourself of the scars left behind by a narcissistic mother and move on with life.
9 Steps To Forgiving A Narcissistic Mother
So, you want to learn how to forgive a narcissistic mother? Here are 10 steps that can help you. It might not be easy but it is possible – and there’s no better time than now to start this journey.
1. Collect Your Thoughts
If your mind feels like a boiling cauldron of rage, confusion and pain, you’re not going to get anywhere. That’s why it is essential that you sit down and write about everything your mother did to make you feel bad about yourself. Keep a diary if you have to – which can be a private document or a blog.
2. Distance Yourself From The Her If Possible
At this stage, it’s best if you can distance yourself from your mother. While not absolutely necessary, it does create a little more mental space for you to work on the next step, which is forgiveness. Distance would mean no communication with or about her .
We understand that it can be hard. The world would be honoring their mothers while your narcissistic mother would be there, probably waiting for her kids or blaming you for being bad. You would be missing her and guilt might take you over for being an irresponsible child.
We suggest you somehow try ignoring these thoughts for someday because you deserve healing and that is only possible if you are away from your mother.
3. Stop Blaming Yourself
You might be thinking to yourself you could have done something different. But here’s the thing – if your narcissistic mother had issues, she would probably project them on you and behave in a way that would make you cringe with pain.
You can’t blame yourself for her behavior because it wouldn’t change anything. If anything, blaming only creates more anger -and that’s not what we want at this stage.
4. Start To See The Narcissistic Mother For What She Is
Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally, but mothers going through the narcissistic personality disorder can’t do that because they feel unworthy of love themselves. So, they resent children for existing and don’t want kids to grow up because then they’ll have nothing to lord over them anymore.
See beyond the fake façade of acting like a loving parent while insulting you in private – see through the mask of making you believe you’re worthless.
5. Learn To Appreciate Yourself
Start learning to appreciate yourself for who you are, the good and the bad because no one is perfect – not even your narcissistic mother. Yes, she was there at birth but that doesn’t make her automatically deserving of respect, reverence or affection. You are your own person – your mother’s opinion should not define you because that makes you a narcissist too!
Learn to love yourself unconditionally. If you don’t do it now, when will you?
6. Forgive Your Narcissistic Mother
Yes, now that your feelings are well-processed, it is the perfect time to forgive your narcissistic mother by giving up all your anger towards her because it’s making you hurt yourself more than anyone else could ever.
What if this whole thing with your mother is about you needing to grow up and learn something from the experience? What if forgiving her was the best thing that ever happened to you?
7. Let Go Of The Anger For Good
If anger does happen to resurface, accept it for what it is – a normal human emotion when someone has hurt us badly.
Holding on to this anger will only make things worse because then we let those who wounded us continue hurting us over and over again. You can’t change what happened in the past but you can control how much power these wounds take away from your present and future happiness.
8. Be Grateful To Your Narcissist Mother (Yes, Really)
While we don’t doubt it might be hard, you should be grateful to your narcissistic mother for pushing you out into this world. It might have been hard but being born is always a miracle – so, thank her for taking care of you even if it was in her own warped way .
We know how difficult it might seem at first but try to see the positive side of having a narcissistic mother because even though she hurt you, she showed you what not to do as a parent too. You’ll learn from her mistakes and let go of all that negative energy that’s preventing you from focusing on your future happiness.
9. Seek Professional Help If Necessary
If saying goodbye to the anger towards your narcissistic mother proves harder than expected, or if issues are getting in the way of your health, career or love life, you can always seek professional help. Maybe, try to get your mom to seeking therapy too because that is what a narcissistic person badly needs.
Our narcissistic mothers are the only parents we have – yes, they’re flawed but that doesn’t mean they deserve to be condemned for eternity .
You’re not making them pay for what they did by holding on to this anger – you’re making yourself pay with low self-esteem, depression and feeling inadequate. We know it might take some hard work but isn’t it better than being stuck at their mercy forever?
Healing Yourself After Living With A Narcissistic Mother
Now that you are on a stage where you can forgive your mom for her narcissism, it is the perfect time to take baby steps towards healing yourself too. Here are some things you can do to heal yourself:
1. Keep a Journal
Journaling is a great way to get all your negative thoughts out of your head and transform them into positive affirmations by writing them down. This will help you solve any anger issues towards your mom, because writing can be cathartic.
It will also keep you from hating yourself because you’ll get to express everything that’s been building up inside you, which can feel very draining otherwise.
2. Spend Time Alone
Spend time alone and take care of yourself in the best way possible. Get to know yourself more, list down all your talents and give yourself the credit you deserve. You are special in your own unique ways that perhaps no one else in this entire world can offer in their lives.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise; not even your narcissistic mom.
3. Seek Professional Help
Seeking professional help is always an option if these feelings of anger towards your narcissist mother prove too difficult to deal with on your own.
However, make sure you find a therapist who will understand what goes on between a mother and her child – ensure you find a therapist who has experience dealing with narcissistic mothers or children of such women. There are plenty out there – all you have to do is be willing to take the first step.
4. Once You Forgive, Move On
If you are not ready to forgive your mother for being a narcissist then at least acknowledge the fact that she is one and that what she did was wrong .
Moving on can be very difficult when we’re holding onto these feelings but it’s something we must do because dwelling in the past will only keep you stuck there forever. So, let go of your anger and hatred towards her and allow yourself to heal so you too can move on with your life.
5. Put Yourself First Now And Always
As hard as it might sound to put yourself first before anything else, especially if you grew up thinking putting other people’s needs above yours is how a woman should behave – you have to remember that you can’t give what you don’t have . You need love, attention and understanding from the people around you – not from someone who is incapable of giving them.
6. Be Proud Of Yourself For The Person You Are
You are a wonderful person with so many talents and abilities to offer this world – a narcissist mother might have tried to undermine everything you were capable of but she failed because she doesn’t know how special and unique you truly are . Stop being hard on yourself for being vulnerable – it makes us human – and embrace your flaws as much as your strengths.
It is very likely that your narcissistic mother has been shattered by her own lack of self-worth so, try to see her as a flawed individual who made mistakes just like the rest of us. The only difference between you and her is that she doesn’t have the courage or strength to admit them – but you do. Remember, we all deserve a second chance – even your narcissistic mom.